Where were you?

Dear God,

It's me again.  Yep, that's right...two letters in one week.  Amazing!  Today I want to touch upon a subject with you that is a sensitive one for me but these are feelings that I need to get out and put into writing.  I need these feelings released from the confinements of my brain so that just maybe I can have a little piece about it.  I'm sure that everyday you receive a plethora of questions from those who've lost loved ones wanting to know "why?" and "where were you?".  For me, this has been a daunting question for the past 4 months now.

I understand the basics of how life works.  People are born, people live, and people die.  Its just the circle of life.  We don't always have explanations for why people die and death is not prone to just any certain age group.  Death has no prejudice or preference and it can strike when we least expect it.  I get that. What I don't get is that if you are in control; if it is you who decides what happens to each of us;and if you allow us to be born with preconceived dates of death; then, why in certain circumstances don't you change it.  Why don't you intervene and allow life to continue for some of the good ones.  Are they not deserving of another chance? Are we not deserving of more time with them?  Are your needs for them greater than our own?

As I sit and replay the day of July 14, 2011 in my mind as well as the 19th and 20th of that same month and I recall the pain, the loss, the sadness, and the unanswered questions that those days have brought to so many people in my life I can't help but wonder where you were.  Where were you when he picked up that gun?  Why didn't you stop him? Where were you when she left that house?  Why didn't you stop her?  Why didn't you keep her there with him? Why did you let this happen?  Did we not deserve more time with him?  Did they not deserve more time with him? Did you really have to take him?  Did you really need him as an example?  What exactly was this example that you were setting with him?  Why can't we have him? Was his time here truly finished?

I struggle with these questions every day because I want an answer. I want someone to blame for the loss that so many of us feel with every passing day.  I want you to stop allowing people, good people, to die so suddenly and without warning.  I want a guarantee that I will never have to know that pain of loosing one of my children.  I want a guarantee that I will get to watch them grow, become adults, begin their own families, and have their own grandchildren. 

I know that I can never have these desires and that I will never have an answer to my questions, but it still does not stop me from feeling the way that I do.  It does not nor will it ever stop me from questioning your choices.  The reality is, this is how I am.  I was created by you and you gave me the free will to control my actions and thoughts so I can only assume that this is how you meant me to be.  Even now as I type I can feel something inside of me telling me that it's okay, everything is okay, and that one day I will understand.  I can feel that sense of calmness and strength that I felt in July.  I can feel that something there telling me that everything is the way it is supposed to be, it is emanating from within my heart, yet my mind is struggling to fight it; to make sense of it. Please help me understand why things have to be this way. Help me understand why some of us must endure so much pain without any explanation or cause?

Sincerely,
Still Looking for Answers

Why Did You Choose Me?

Dear God,

It's me. I sure hope you're sitting down for this. I know that this is the first time that I've ever really sat and decided to contact you directly but surely my timing should be of no surprise.  As you already know my faith and belief in you over the course of my lifetime thus far has been everything except devote and accepting.  I have spent much of my life questioning your existence and your capabilities and honestly I am not quite sure that I am through.  As time here on Earth continues to pass I however, have begun to find myself hoping and praying that perhaps you are there and that you will begin if not continue to show love, mercy and support to those whom I love so dearly. As a mother I have begun to pray that you are there, you are watching over us and that you know what you're doing for the sake of my children.

In today's letter I will try to start off simple....well perhaps simple for you.  Why me? Why did you choose me for the life that I lead?  As stated in the previous paragraph and as you well know I definitely have a knack for questioning things, demanding truth and facts, and observing everything from a sometimes extremely realistic standpoint.  Unfortunately my, what would be called, "scientific" viewpoint of things doesn't always sit well with everyone and often leaves me feeling isolated.  I have often questioned what is wrong with me and why I tend to be so different from everyone else.  Honestly, I have on many occasions sat and thought for hours about myself and why some find me to be unacceptable in their lives.  In the end I have come to the conclusion that if what they say is true, "that we are all created in your image", then wouldn't it stand true that I have been created in the exact manner that you wanted me to be? Does this mean that I am meant to see things differently than those around me and at times am meant to share that different perspective with them?  If so, then why isn't it also meant for them to understand me and why I think the way I do?

I've tried hard to be optimistic in the past, but optimism has often left me depressed and discouraged.  Pessimism has done nothing but encourage the depression as well as create feelings of anger and aggression.  With realism I don't have to wonder, I don't have to guess, and I don't have to pretend.  Unfortunately though, realism can also leave you with a host of feelings ranging from happy and courageous to feelings of anger, loss and despair.  It's definitely a roller coaster ride and one that I sometimes wish I could get off of.

Now of course I have many questions for you, some simple and some that I know I'll never find the answers to but for today I only have one request.  I have been struggling lately with some pretty strong feelings of anger and hatred. Feelings that I have evaluated and have concluded that they stem from several different occurrences.  In a few of these instances I am angry with a person(s) with whom do not deserve that anger and I only ask that you help me to release that anger and forgive those whom have done me wrong.  I do not wish reconciliation, but I do wish to let go of these feelings and an opportunity to move forward.  I have already begun to accept that I can not change nor can I control the decisions made by nor the views of others.  Each person has their own path to follow in life and often our paths will follow another's path for a time but eventually they must split off and we must continue again on our own, I get it, but it doesn't mean that there is no hurt.

Sincerely,
Looking for Answers